Link 'n' Lloyd
by Tai Aurion
Summary: Humorous how to's and how not to's with Link, The Legend of Zelda, Lloyd, Tales Of Symphonia and others. XX Written by Me and my friend Joe. Chapter One: How To Make Toast, The Right Way.
1. How To Make Toast, The Right Way

LINK 'N' LLOYD

Chapter 1: How to make toast

"Ok, so we begin in the kitchen of mana. I am Lloyd Irving of Sylvarant. And this… is Link the Elf, from the Kokiri forest. We are here to entertain you as best we can, if we can. Well anyway…"

"SHUT UP ALREADY AND LET'S GET STARTED!" Link screamed at Lloyd who was using a banana as a microphone.

"Oh fine, what are we doing anyway?"

"I dunno I'm hungry."

"Too bad it's Showtime."

"Technically we shouldn't have started until I've eaten. After all, you're still using that banana as a microphone."

"Well if it's Showtime you need to use something as a microphone!" Lloyd returned starting to unpeel the yellow object.

"There is such a thing as pencils ya know."

"Banana's taste so much better anyway." Lloyd had started to take a bite off of his unpeeled banana.

"Why are you eating your 'microphone'?" Lloyd stopped biting suddenly.

"Uhm, I wasn't I was just making sure it was a good banana. I don't wanna have a bad banana." Lloyd said as he tried to put the banana back together.

"Whatever, if you get a banana I get toast." Lloyd now had a look of rage on his face as he continued to –try– and put the banana back together.

"THIS… STUPID… THING!"

"Whadda ya call someone who uses a banana as a microphone?"

"A banana lover."

"No, Lloyd."

"I don't get it…"

"Anyway, let's see if I can do this."

"Do what?"

"Make toast of course."

"Oh, TOAST! I know how to make toast. Alls you gots ta do is put some bread in the one box thing and push down a certain lever majiggy."

"Sounds simple enough."

"Yeah, but I heard that it's actually really complex."

"Well, it SOUNDS easy!"

"Whatever."

Link walks up to a bag of bread. Opens the bag takes out a piece of bread, reties the bag and throws it in the oven. Pushes a lever and waits.

"HOLY COW!" Lloyd screamed dropping the banana on the floor and running over to Link. "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"Making toast of course." Link said in a calm tone.

"ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU THREW THE BAG OF BREAD IN THE _OVEN_!"

"Huh? Then what's the toaster." the smell of a burning loaf of bread in a plastic sack began to make itself known.

"THAT OTHER BOX IS THE TOASTER YOU RETARD!" Lloyd screamed pointing at the real toaster.

"You mean that puny little thing over there?" Link asked pointing to the toaster.

"YES THAT THING! NOW TURN OFF THE OVEN AND GET THE BREAD OUT OF IT!"

"Ok, but don't you just love the smell of a burning plastic sack?" Link said breathing the air and sighing. "I can almost smell the smell of Ganons's rubber boots burning when I shot them with a fire arrow for the first time. Oh the good old times."

"JUST GET THE STUPID BREAD OUT OF THE STINKIN' OVEN!"

"Gosh, what's your problem?" Link said picking up the burnt bread, which had melted plastic on it, with his sword.

"MY PRECIOUS SOY BREAD!"

"Soy bread? You eat _soy_ bread? That stuff deserves to be burned!" Lloyd started bawling while looking at his destroyed soy bread.

"My precious bread!" Lloyd said tears rolling down his cheeks.

"It's just bread, get over it."

"It is not just bread! It was a gift from Colette to me! I got it on my 18th birthday!"

"You're 18? Wow, for an 18 year old you're not too bright."

"YOU'RE STUPIDER THAN… _Zelos_!" Link gasped as he heard this. He began to cry at Lloyd's harsh words.

"WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?" said a voice coming from the library of mana. Link stopped crying and Lloyd stood still.

"Uh, NOTHING ZELDA! WE'RE FINE IN HERE! WHILE YOU'RE TALKING TO US DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS BURNT SOY TOAST?" Link hollered back.

"SURE, I'D LOVE SOME! SOY BREAD ROCKS!"

Link stood for a moment. "You know what? I've always liked soy bread."

"Right dude, whatever." Lloyd said rolling his eyes.

"YOU COMING WITH THAT BREAD LINK?" Zelda yelled.

"YEAH! JUST A SECOND ZELDA!" then he turned to Lloyd. "You'd start to like something that you don't like now if Colette liked it!"

"Mebe." Link rolled his eyes and grabbed a piece of toast then set off for the library. A little bit later Lloyd heard Zelda scream.

"WHAT DID YOU DO THIS SOY BREAD LINK? YOU DESTROYED IT! YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE TOAST BY YOURSELF!"

"Hey, I said it was burnt!" Link returned.

"BURNT IS OK! THIS IS LIKE CHARCOAL!"

"But it's still toast."

"HARDLY! I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE TOAST! C'MERE!" Zelda said dragging Link out of the library of mana. Zelda looked at Lloyd, "Do you need to learn how to make toast too?" Lloyd shook his head backing off. "Good." Zelda said dropping Link on the ground in front of the toaster.

"Ok, let's begin our lesson for today on how to make toast… the correct way." Zelda looked around for some bread that link hadn't turned into charcoal. When she finally found a piece she showed it to Link.

"This is bread. Got it?"

"I'm not following this." Link said staring blankly.

"YOU DOLT! I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT IT IS!"

"Sorry, I'm not a rocket scientist here." Zelda rolled her eyes as if to say 'You gotta be kidding me'.

"OK, NOW SHUT UP AND LISTEN! I'M GONNA TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE TOAST WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"

"Gosh, you don't have to yell, I'm right here."

"This could take a while." Zelda mumbled to herself.

"What'd you say about my mom?"

--------------------

Several hours and many pieces of toast later…  
--------------------

"NOOO! I SAID PUT THE BREAD INTHE TOASTER! NOT THE BED!"

"Hey they both start with b's it's confusing to me."

"Yeah, just like you said 'toast the bread' sounded more like 'roast my head'!" Lloyd said. His hair was lightly singed.

"Lloyd shut up, you'd be dead if the sprinklers hadn't of gone off."

"SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!"

"I don't wanna learn how to make toast, I'll stick with pancakes… Wait, how DO you make pancakes?" Zelda runs of to the library. Link turns around "Could you teach- Hey, Zelda? Zelda! ZELDA! WHERE'D YOU GO?" Link ran off looking for Zelda as Lloyd was rolling on the floor uncontrollably from laughter.


	2. How NOT To Ride A Horse

**Tai: Chapter 2 is up after... How many hours of work do you think?**

**Joe: 300 i'd estimate.**

**Tai: He means 3.**

**All of a sudden Link and Lloyd hack A/N.**

**Lloyd: WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO STUPID IN THIS CHAPTER?**

**Link: I had to be stupid in the last chapter, get over it.**

**Tai: How'd you get here?**

**Link: We hacked your fingers to type us here.**

**Joe: Tai, where are my fingers?**

**Tai: Right here typing everything Link says.**

**Joe: Oh.**

**Lloyd: Review Time!**

**Assasin X Blade- Joe: All we get is a C-? We at least deserve a C. maybe even a C+ to a B-. IN my opinion, it's well worth an B+ to an A+.**

**Tai: Well your opinion isn't worth that much then,is it?**

**Joe: Shut up Tai.**

**Tai: Chapter 2!**

* * *

LINK 'N' LLOYD

Chapter 2: How NOT to ride a horse.

"Well yesterday at the kitchen of mana was fun but it's nice to be back in Hyrule. So here we are on this beautiful morning. Walking through the wonderful land of Hyrule. The air is fresh, it's peaceful, and no sounds other than nature can be heard!" Link exclaimed walking from the Kokiri forest on his way to the castle.

"With the exception of your voice." Lloyd added darkly. He apparently wasn't a morning person.

"Good morning to you too." Link said still smiling and breathing the air.

"Where are we going anyway?"

"To Hyrule Castle you idiot!"

"Why don't you just live in your room at Hyrule Castle?"

"Too expensive."

"Expensive? You get it for free? Or do you not know who you are?"

"I was famous then, but now I'm not… I think."

"I think you're famous for not being able to make toast the right way."

"Oh shut up." Link said now getting an idea in his head. Then he whipped out his Ocarina and played Epona's Song.

"What are you doing?" Lloyd asked staring at the Ocarina.

"You'll find out in a minute." Link said continuing to play. After a minute Lloyd could hear a horse's hoofs beating on the earth.

"AAH! What's that sound?" Lloyd said jumping backwards.

"It's an octopus."

"It is? YIKES!"

"You dip-wad."

"AAH! Wait, that doesn't look like an octopus." Lloyd said watching Epona gallop towards them.

"It doesn't? Are you sure?"

"I'm sure! I mean, it looks like a horse!"

"Excellent assumption Holmes."

"Who?"

"No one." Link said walking up to Epona and stroking her mane. Lloyd watched Link for a while.

"So, is that your horse?" Lloyd asked.

"No, it's yours."

"It is? SWEET!"

"NO, IT'S MINE YOU DOLT!"

"Oh." Lloyd said feeling small. "Does she have a name?"

"Yeah, this is Epona."

"Cool, I'm gonna give it the nickname pretty pony!" Epona neighed loudly at hearing this.

"I'm not even gonna comment on that."

"Ok, so, are we going to ride your horse to the castle now?"

"Not 'we', you."

"I am? I GET TO RIDE PRETTY PONY?" Epona neighed loudly in an irritated tone.

"Yes, very good Lloyd! We're gonna have a race, howzat sound?"

"That sounds might perdy."

"Uh, right… Ok, well we're gonna have a race!"

"A race?"

"A RACE!"

"YAY!" Lloyd cheered. Epona neighed sounding bummed.

"I'm gonna run there and you're gonna ride Epona, let's see if you can beat me. I'll even give you a 10 minute head start!"

"Suh-weet!" Lloyd hopped on an angry Epona's back and yelled. "RIDE LIKE THE WIND YOU PERDY THANG!" Epona floored it backwards at top speed, while Lloyd screamed. Link sat down on the ground watching Epona take Lloyd back to Kokiri forest.

----------

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" Lloyd screamed as Epona ran ride past trees on her way backwards to the Kokiri forest. Lloyd jumped off Epona and hit his head on a rock. Epona stopped immediately. "Now you stop." Lloyd mumbled to himself while Epona neighed happily. "Ok, how do you ride this thing? I don't see a gas pedal anywhere. Not to mention it could use a steering wheel, and maybe even an automatic."

Lloyd stood staring at the creature. He was determined to ride the 'perdy thing'. Saria was walking up down to where Lloyd was, with a bag clearly stating, 'Elf Supermarket - Supermarket that rocks!' she was humming to herself. Then she saw Lloyd with Epona by him. She stopped dead.

"YOU THIEF! YOU STOLE LINK'S HORSE!" she screamed dropping her bag and running at him.

"AAAHHH! IT'S A ZORA! IT'S A GERUDO! IT'S GANONDORF!" Lloyd screamed.

"No, worse than that, I'm Saria the hair stylist!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"I work at 'Elf Clips' and you know what? You're not an elf."

"So what?"

"You need a haircut but I can't give you one because I only do elf hairdos."

"I thought you were saying I stole Link's horse." Lloyd said now confused.

"Oh yeah…" they stared at each other for a moment then Saria screamed: "THEIF!" Suddenly a ringing could be heard. "Oh sorry." Saria said. "Couldja hang on a minute? Thanks." she grabbed her cell phone off of her belt and answered it. 'WHADDAYA WANT LINK? I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GET YOUR HORSE BACK FROM THIS THIEF GUY! What? Oh… Sure, leave it to me. Ok, bye then." she hung up. Lloyd stared at her.

"I understand you need to learn how to ride a horse." she said. Lloyd looked frightened as an evil grin appeared on her face.

----------

"Yep that's right you have to tie your hands behind your back or you'll choke the horse." Saria said.

"Ok, but why am I gonna have to have duck tape over my mouth?" Lloyd asked?

"So you don't distract the horse with your 'ride like the wind you perdy thang' calls."

"Ok, I get it now. But is it absolutely necessary to wear a blindfold so sand doesn't get in your eyes even if your not crossing a desert?"

"Uhm, yes of course. Now I'll see you off, good luck… you'll need it."

Saria helped Lloyd tie his hands behind his back, put a blindfold over his eyes, duck tape his mouth shut, strap the saddle to his back so he couldn't move and strapped him underneath Epona. Saria chuckled then grabbed her cell phone and called Link.

"Hey Link! Guess what! It's done; you must come here and see it! It's my latest work. Thanks, see ya then!"

She hung up.

----------

Link stared at Lloyd strapped underneath Epona with a saddle on his back, his hands tied together, duck tape over his mouth and a blindfold over his eyes.

"Like it?" Saria asked Link. Link continued to stare. As Saria said: "I call it, 'How NOT To Ride A Horse'."

"Excellent." Link said. Then after a minute he dropped to the ground crying with laughter.

* * *

**Ok, if you have any idea's on what How To's or How Not To's or both just say so in your review!**


	3. How To Get Rid Of Navi

**Tai: Chapter 3 is finally done.**

**Joe: So this must be the one.**

**Tai: Stop rhyming my words.**

**Joe: Oh look there's two birds.**

**Tai: Shut up you orange.**

**Joe: Dang,I can't rhyme with the evil orange of doom.**

**Tai: He said as he walked through the room.**

**Joe: Now you're doing it.**

**Tai: SHUT UP!**

**Lloyd: Shut up! (hit's "start story" button).**

* * *

LINK 'N' LLOYD

Chapter 3: How to get rid of Navi

"Well today is a nice and peaceful day at Hyrule Castle. I'm in my own _free_ room, Zelda's in the library and Lloyd's just getting out of the hospital wing today. He actually got Epona moving and for the first time in history Epona did I belly flop on the ground." Link said sitting in his room. "And, sadly, Navi decided to show up."

"HEY!" the annoying blue fairy said. "LOOK! LISTEN! ROLL OVER! PLAY DEAD!"

"HOLY HORSE SHOES!"

"Where be Zelda?" Navi asked looking dim.

"Nunya." Link said getting a piece of paper.

"Where's that?" Navi asked floating above Link's head.

"Nunya business. Ha ha!" he grabbed a pencil off his desk.

"Is that some kind of Business Company? Like, Santa business, Coke business…bathroom business?" Navi was confused.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that…" Link started drawing a picture of a fairy being hacked apart.

"Where is this Nunya Business?" Navi was looking at a nearby map of Hyrule.

"Can you play dead? For a lo-o-o-o-o-ng time?" Link rolled his eyes while picking up a red colored pencil.

"Do I get a _prize_?" Navi said looking up from the map.

"Yea, you get to take long vacation at the Insane Asylum." Link said gleefully as he started to draw red colored blots all over the hacked off pieces of the fairy. He had started coloring the fairy blue.

"Hey! That's suh-weet! What do I do there?" Navi bounced around the room excited.

"Absolutely nothing." Link had now drawn the words 'Joy to the world, Navi's dead' as the title of his drawing, which he held up proudly. "What do you think?" he asked showing the drawing to Navi.

"What is it?" Navi said sounding puzzled.

"Your mom." Link hung up the drawing on the wall.

"I never knew my mum!" Navi said floating slowly to the ground.

"Are you British?" Link stared happy at the picture.

"No, I'm a Fairy!" Navi said rising again.

"You're not a fairy, you're an idiot." Link frowned realizing his drawing needed a nice frame.

"I am? Like, AWESOME!"

"Do you know where any good frames are Navi?"

"Call 1-800-I-NEED-FRAMES."

"What kinda frames do they sell?"

"They sell circular frames for square pictures."

"Uhh, right…"

"So, when is Lloyd coming back?"

"You don't want to know."

"Why? Is he in…THAT place."

"Yes he is, why don't you go fly over and tell him to get a life."

"OKIE DOKIE! I'M ON MA'M, I MEAN SIR!"

"Hurry up and get there. But don't hurry back."

"I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY!"

"**_GET OUT_**!"

"Use you indoor voices!" Navi scolded, as she flew out the window.

"Finally…" Link sighed heavily.

All of a sudden Navi burst into the room.

"Found him." Navi said.

"WHAT?" Link said. " WHERE?"

"In South China."

"What'd you do? Take a taxi?" Link asked.

"No silly, I took a rocket."

"How can you hang on to a rocket? You don't even have a finger."

"Well when it's –20 degrees, you decide." Navi floated silently.

"You stuck out you're tongue! YOU IDIOT! YOU DON'T HAVE A TONGUE!"

"I don't? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! HOLY HORSE SHOES!"

"DAS MY LINE YOU POSER!"

"What's a poser?"

"I don't know, I saw it on television."

"Dude, that's evil!"

"Dot dot dot…"

"…"

Navi stared at Link blankly.

"I sense another presence in the room." Navi said.

"That was you." Link pointed out.

"H'm?"

"Nothing…"

"BOOM BABY!" The door went flying open.

"LeGasp!" Link and Navi said at the same time.

"Hey dude and dudette, wassup?"

"Holy Horse Shoes…" Navi said.

"STOP USING MY LINE YOU… YOU… TOOTH FAIRY!"

"WHAT? WHAT'D YOU CALL ME? DIIIIIIIE!"

_**This scene was taken out for far too much violence.**_

Meanwhile…

Lloyd decided to leave the two "friends" alone and headed for the library. When there, he ran into a conversation between Zelda and Saria…

"So Saria, why weren't you in MM?" Zelda said with a pen & notebook in her hand.

"MM? I LOVE M&MS! DO YOU HAVE ANY?" Saria asked gleefully.

"No you stupid hairstylist, I mean Majora's Mask!" Zelda said.

"HEY!" Saria screeched.

_**----------**_

"NAVI YOU… YOU… THING!" Link screamed at Navi.

"I'm a thing?" Navi suddenly stopped shouting.

"Not only that, but you're an IT!"

"Are we playing tag?"

"You dipthong…"

"Are you kidding? I've never worn sandals in my life!"

"I wonder why…"

"Yeah, so do I. I've always wanted sandals on my feet. Yeah, that'd be awesome!"

"You don't have feet."

"…" Navi was silent. "…" Navi was not talking. "…" Navi was just floating. "Stupid writer."

"Hey! What do I have to do with this?" Joe said.

"Joe, where do you come in on this story?" Tai asked.

"Right about now."

"Navi, I'm hearing voices." Link said starting to freak out.

"I hear them too, they must be spirits." Navi answered.

"Joe, don't ever do this again." Tai said annoyed.

"We are the writers of this story! Be afraid, be very afraid."

"LeGasp!" both Link and Navi said turning white.

"Joe! GET OUT OF THE STORY NOW!" Tai hollered.

"Wait, you stupid writers! How'd you come up with…" Link started to say.

"Hey Link!" they heard someone call.

"Who is it?" Link asked.

"It's me, myself and I."

"…"

"BOOM BABY!" Lloyd blasted the door opened.

"Oh, it's you…" Navi said.

"HOLY CAT! NAVI'S STILL HERE! I was sure you would've gotten rid of her by now."

"Why?" Link asked.

"Because it's the title of this chapter, 'How to get rid of Navi', see?" Lloyd showed him a piece of paper with the first page of chapter one on it.

"Dang, I guess you're right… NAVI, LOOK A BURRITO!"

"WHAT? WHERE?"

"AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE! IN A HOLE!"

"YAYY! MUST GET MY PRECIOUS BURRITO!"

"I hear it even has spicy sauce on it." Navi dispersed.

"Nice job Link, you fulfilled the chapter's title." Lloyd said.

"Thanks." Link said bowing.

"I didn't know you even had a lake around here."

"We don't."

* * *

**Lloyd: So what lake _did_ Navi head toward?**

**Tai: The ocean.**

**Lloyd: That's not a lake.**

**Tai: Exactly.**

**Tai: Ok, well we at the "Link 'n' Lloyd" producing studio (my basement) have decided to do explanations (Example: What happened to Navi after The Ocarina Of Time) as well as how to's and how not to's.**

**Joe: We're taking onethe ideas of The Fiercesomest Dragon Ever gave us.**

**Tai: Yeah, the "How Not To Feed The Animals At The Zoo" one. Thanks for the idea's TFDE.**

**Joe: Huh?**

**Tai: TFDEequalsThe Fiercesomest Dragon Ever.**

**Joe: Am I in a dream?**

**Tai: Shut up...**


End file.
